If its just to bond, asking about past activities might be an easier way to accomplish this. These guys then hope the girl will then respond with relating a fun anecdote, to which the guy will respond by asking a question or two to keep her talking, and then hell think, Great! Im also self employed and use a similar excuse. LW, in case youre feeling that so many comments along these lines invalidate your feelings about the question or imply that youre making a big deal out of nothing, I wanted to chime in to say that my reaction to reading your letter was an immediate OMG YES can this question please die FOREVER?!. Demanding person: Are you busy this weekend? This is about the blandest, most banal small talk question I can think of.). This is something that consistently bothers me too although in my case its more just that I dont want to answer that question with my coworkers ever. Try to be kind and positive in your response. My husbands family is large and I generally love them, but sometimes I just do not want to eat little smokies and chips with 40 other people in a loud house with tons of screaming children. "Hi" or "Hello". For an acquaintance, depends. So, since my unspoken fear in this situation is that Ill have revealed my availability for an activity I dont want to do and that Ill be too polite to outright say I dont want to go, I figured I might as well express it, even if jokingly. And sometimes the answer is well but if they respond that way theyre not your friends anyway, but we interact with a lot of people who are not our friends but who are important to our lives (coworkers, for example, or in-laws) and yet who can levy that cost. I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. I think it would be helpful for folks to give LW the benefit of the doubt that she/he is not taking the time to write in to an advice column over very simple coworker small talk questions. Its not extreme when your life has several of those sharks who ask that just to trap you. Simply say something you're obviously not doing. Apologize IMMEDIATELY and never ask me that again!. What are you doing for dinner? Busy busy busy! This is a great one because it invites the other person to tell you something that they want to share. Work it like a weekend warrior! Try repeating Fine, thanks. I get annoyed when family members pose the invitation as Youre coming to Grans on Saturday, right? To which Im like, Uh, whats happening on Saturday? And they stare at me like Im a monster for not knowing it was Sallys third step daughters cousins middle school graduation theyre celebrating on Saturday. Take care of your boundaries! "I'm not saying I hate you, what I'm saying is that you are literally. Let the customer know you empathize with them and use their name to personalize your communications. You're going to want to keep your messages quite a bit shorter on apps like Tinder and Bumble .) He hardly ever asks anymore though. This might just be a difference in communication styles. Maybe shorter comments go through immediately but longer ones need mod-approval? If someone asks me the question, I am happy, because that means they are probably inviting me somewhere. The vague redirect is also a standard, recognized move. When I tell you Ill be meal planning this weekend thats not an invitation for you to tell me all of your diet ideas and which meals are healthier. I honestly dont even know why people say it at all when Ive never seen a follow-up to it. I get the friendly sentiment, but its not always welcome and people would do well to use more discretion. ooh. because sometimes we have plans that cant change. My own mother STILL phrases things the way she did when I was a teen like, How would you like to take out the garbage? well, I wouldnt LIKE to take out the garbage at all! Jana: It's ok. I'll catch you later. Which has been said in other comments and is important enough to say again. I have less than zero interest in tutoring kids that have no interest in the subject. FRIEND: I am available [date]! It can be all consuming, leaving no time for askers invitations or request, or totally flexible and cancellable if there is something you would like to do. Because if she werent a family member, Id throw her out on her ear; she sure as hell wouldnt be in my home with all her stuff. Its okay to say you are within your rights to do these things anyway, because you are. Thanks! Because as far as I can tell, youre saying you want to be treated with the closeness of family, only you seem pretty adamant you dont actually want to be family with her in the sense of two adults choosing to be together and support each other as family youre very clear that you want a relationship where you retain levels of dominance and control only suitable with a minor child. This says "I'm doing well.". I dont think she feels disliked; theres really not a lot of conflict for us. TootsNYC, thanks for responding and considering what is said. When I was a teen or an adult who looked like a teen, I was very fond of, Ill have to ask my mother. I had as little to do with my mother as possible at the time, but I noticed this response was great at making creepy guys shrivel up and slink off. But really those friends should elaborate: What are you doing this weekend? Those of us who are white have a hard time grasping the sheer weirdness that tends to go into this stuff. (This one will definitely keep them guessing.) As a young black woman in the US, she of course had been steeped in spotting such people her whole life. ), its pure formula. 14 "It was a riot! Is this just aimless small-talk? Most of those projects and research were for fanfiction. Although you risk hearing all about the questioners plans. That said, I tend to think the person asked, they can damn well deal with the answer. Photo: Funny Quotes. The kids DO like my origami and I was able to get in some geometry pointers with that. Can you repeat what you just said? But I think its disingenuous? Sometimes, it's good to be a little silly and fun! Nothing much (I have one coworker who now sometimes asks me What are you doing this weekend? My Kid: No (shuts door again) I really need to catch up on some sleep this weekend. That way they know Im not going to be up for a 7 am hike, or a 9am brunch, but if they wanted to do an early happy hour Im probably going to be up for it. Its just one of the normal options. When she asks me what Im doing on a particular day, I just say Im not sure or I need to check my calendar until she tells me what she wants. I dont spend a lot of time imagining what youre doing over the weekend. I think its more like, LW has a bunch of overbearing, annoying relatives who use this as a manipulation tactic, so she now sees it as one. I decided we couldnt be friends anymore after one time I told her I couldnt babysit and she said, Your calendar says youre free. Your kids are loud. Most of them, anyway. I then fully expect to be the person who takes the next step of saying yay! But people should take turns is different from someone else should always go first (or for gendered/other status reasons, I should always go first). All of these situation have the same question in them, but they are not remotely all one situation. It is handy because it has a friendly tone of I dont want to go into detail while still participating in the conversation. Speak to US respectfully. Examples include: Good, nice sunny day out there. I sympathize. Me: Nope. Nobody ever catches the other out (you said you were fine!) because the dance must be done. (Like the How are you? inquiries) When someone is fishing for a date or a maybe-babysitter, though, I turn it right back around on them. That! and she looked really pissed off, and I worried that maybe it sounded like I was looking for an excuse, any excuse, to get out of whatever she was proposing. I suppose its more of an emotional labor thing? When Ive used it outside of the US and on people who are not Anglophones from birth, its often perceived as prying which, in those countries, it is. Relatedly, this is not an impolite thing to say. Then I can pin them down on what, and when, without having pre-committed myself to some favor they were hinting at sideways. Part of why Im asking is I just plain find it baffling that parents do this, though the consequences loom large enough. But then she would ask me to babysit her toddler. I might even be more direct My kids and I need the walk to school for ourselves. men. Because everybodys got something. Helen Huntington already explained it very well. I can get behind being annoyed with the sister whos trying to manipulate her into babysitting, but I think theyre reading a lot into the question when its being asked casually. . Copyright 2011 thru 2023 Jennifer Peepas, all rights reserved. Jumping from Are you doing anything on the 3rd? to I need to know if youre coming on the 3rd so I know how many pies to bake! would be really confusing. That is my current standard response. I am a pessimist, so I assume I am pissing someone off if theres the slightest ambiguity in communication. With friends, I might have the motive of finding time to hang, but often its just to find something to talk about. I went to a lot of meetings I did not want to go because of this, cause I pretty much was cornered into it after admitting I have not set plans.. But I like to think that Im better at saying no now, even though people do sometimes react badly. That would have been a really frightening prospect for me. In my experience, soft invitations are never meant. The pushback on needing brain time though makes sense. And if I run into but surely you dont need BOTH days to yourself? Im also prepared to retort with something like, Maybe you dont, but Im very excited for two days to decompress. Folding the dishes. *I have some sympathy for her, in that Ive seen how this is gendered in our culture, of women being trained not to ask for what they want/need (possibly more than in western cultures? If youre female and you answer, and then he decides your time sounds like it should be at his disposal and asks for a date, and you dont want to go, now youre stuck in that ugly probabilistic space where various sorts of threats, anger, and violence may be coming at you. While having to put up with gday, mate lacks the structural oppression of whats aimed at POC, it is still annoying. I dont have strong preferences but I do get hangry, so Ive learned to step up and be the Designated Control Freak. I can also see how always hearing a particular question before being asked a favor is going to start getting on your nerves. So if someone said What are you doing next Thursday? I imagine they said Would you like to do something on Thursday? Him: Nothing at all? In ways that I doubt he even always notices. One evening he bragged that he never outright asked anyone to do anything for him. Point 1 also notes that LW apparently finds the small-talk aspect unusually invasive ze doesnt wish to share zir plans at all, while many people consider this to be a low-stakes social bonding ritual. LW is a better person than I; I would be tempted to say, I desperately need to re-grout the bathroom and weed the garden. If I catch myself, before they respond lll clarify what my actual invitation is. Most dont mean to be manipulative, and if thats not their intention, Why, whats up? wont bother them in the slightest, nor will never finding out what you actually are doing next Thursday or what you did with that time if you turned them down. Same as being busy all the time rather than saying, No, I dont want to hang out. Its the more broad-scope? I think this is an expected thing for women to do. It helps that shes not as tech savvy, so I can get away with the excuse of well my calendar is on my phone and I cant check it at the same time as talking on the phone, even though I can, she doesnt know that. Yeah, my parents did that too. So I get your point, and thats definitely not what I was asking about. You dont need to read their minds as to what they mean, suss out what they mean next, or throw up defenses against prying nosiness; most of the time, it will not be necessary. My workmates and I ask all the time stuff like what are you up to tonight/on the weekend? and its almost never a prelude to inviting them to something, its just small talk sharing our lives. They also influence how OFTEN. I used to get really annoyed with this question from my sister, specifically, for the reasons LW gives. How it came to need an actual (although formulaic) response, Im not sure. If you're worried your co-workers or boss will assume you need more to do if you don't talk about your heavy workload, go for this response. "Hope you are doing well" is actually a pretty common opening line when people write emails. When someone really finds you funny over text, they may send laughing emoji or 'haha'. Person B: Oh, fine, thanks. And if someone is trying to open a debate about the validity of your plans vs. what they want you to be doing, it is a refusal to take the podium. I grew up in the Guessiest Guess household ever my mother once quit a job because they said they liked her work so much that theyd like her to do more shifts, and she was angry at being put in the position of having to say no so I didnt come out of childhood equipped with much of a toolbox for saying no assertively. The thing about she is family, and I expect family to do X is: Who decides what is necessary, when is it necessary, and who needs to do it? Read also. One of the costs of challenging social rules is that it makes it harder for people to learn them. I get lunch with my coworkers on Friday and there is a lot of so is anyone doing anything interesting this weekend? in our conversation. In general, most people will expect a response like this when they . Im a big fan of being super clear: That depends, are you asking me out? Im looking forward to some down time. I have actually thought about writing in about this one as well. Ah. And asking someone what theyre doing is not the same as issuing an invitation. Baking a cake. (I know that I dont want to is in fact a perfectly valid excuse. So when I get a what are you doing after work Friday? text halfway through work on Thursday just tell me what youre going to suggest in the same message. In my case this is always 100% true because unless I literally have my calendar open in front of me I do not know what I am doing at literally any time on any day. My parents and my in-laws have requests that my husband and I dont feel we can refuse. They may want to squee about something exciting, or vent about something theyre dreading, but theyd feel rude unless they ask you first. Oh my goodness I didnt even realize this was posted and then it took awhile for me to read through all of the responses. This applies in other areas of life too. With friends and family you can be more honest if you like, but you dont have to. Since youre not busy, do you want to go to [event] with me? No other teller (in this bank, or others that Ive been in) does this. Its okay that I usually watch movies/play videogames/read all weekend and those arent shameful hobbies. I understand commenters who dont see this question as anything more than polite small talk. But if someone says what are you doing tomorrow night and I say painting my toenails in front of Netflix, that leaves me without a graceful out. Or, if I tell a potential date some generic things (oh, probably reading and writing a lot) and add that Id like to take a break so they know Im open, Im engaging in the same coy behavior thats bothering me in the first place. What are you doing this weekend? I think a more appropriate reaction would be to apologize once, politely, then go away and process what I did wrong by myself. New day, old me, just doing routine stuff. If theyre someone who usually only asks me to do fun stuff, I may say Free as a bird, as long as I dont have to plan on getting up too early. And it absolutely has a cost, even for him. LW gets that this is all tied up with threats of violence. My suggested response in to this question is therefore is just, I have finished planning yet, or still not finalized possibly followed by what are you up to? This is fairly similar to the Ill need to check my calendar, suggestions and still works if you arent the sort of person who uses a calendar and youre talking to someone close enough to know that about you. But the thing is that people who were born in other contries than here (Sweden) ask me where Im from all the time. Yes, this. Theyre couched as requests, and a truly good reason would be all the excuse we would need. N- New adventure. It feels like they expect me to put in the majority of the effort, and it would be nice if once in a while instead of saying I dont see you enough they would say Would you be up for meeting up at the coffee shop on my town on Saturday if [their issues] allow? But its not something thats going to change, so I smile and nod at their noises and continue to plan things with them at exactly the rate I feel like doing so (including making extra effort if theyre going through a really tough thing). If you want to invite them, INVITE. WHAT WILL YOU DO AT THE WEEKEND?? I think my aunt asks this question for the same reason you do. 3. B: Cool. I love that you are into mountain biking! Can I let you know for sure tomorrow?. What are you doing Saturday? might be an attempt to be extra polite about making an invitation, but it only works if the person wants to accept, and its only necessary if the person is too shy to say no. What is the stuff?? Giving my turtle a haircut. You absolutely can. An alternative then is to actually mention the fact that you are sending them an email. Yes, I know that is an inappropriate way to react. Obviously Im talking here about people Im friendly with, not friend-friends, but I cant imagine having got to the stage of being friends with someone who was inclined to rebuff me expressing interest in their life. 4) "When asked what I did over the weekend, I reply, 'Why, what did you hear?'" 5) And it's weekend memes baby!!! That, or non-questions. Why do you ask, why, is something happening, and why, whats up are different answers that extend the convo while not telling porkies. Weekend gone! They think I cant give a soft no because Ive already said Im not busy and I cant give a hard no because Im a woman. I might hang out with some friends on Sunday. I like to piss her off so Im honest with her. I get that youre saying you dont do this often and you see it as a minor part of your relationship. That is a question I ask a lot, but its aim for me usually isnt to exepect that if they are not doing things they will be free for whatever I want. Is that the best you've got. And then coming up with all kinds of bizarre but obvious lies about how they reason theyre acting that way is solely for *my* benefit. I understand the concept, but it seems to me that getting an invitation after revealing that you were nominally free at that time would make refusal even harder, not easier. 8. Also: owning that I dont always have to say yes Im getting there! Ive got[an alligator to befriend, etc]. Her Kid: are you ready to come to school? I Hope You. To those who are wondering why this is such a big deal when its just a social pleasantries thing: I *almost* put this in my original questions but left it out for length and (I thought) irrelevance -The question does not bug me at all when people ask at work or social functions as a way to make conversation. Especially since shes not working during the dayshe only HAS leisure time.). Its not over-sensitivity when people react to it theyre reacting to what they know is likely to be underneath it. Thanks! Youre my first choice, but you are not my last hope., (3) So, I know this is a little awkward, but recently Ive realized I like you in a um well, in a romantic way, and I would love it if we could maybe go out on a date sometime and see how that goes? This is another good and funny response to give to "whats up" because depending on who you say it to, they might find it to be relatable enough to laugh at. I am sure this is going to get attacked for scaremongering and concern-trolling, but I mean, yeah. Probably so he can finish the conversation with enjoy [fun thing]. And to this day, unless its a good friend with whom I know I can say eh I just dont feel up to what you suggested even though Im not busy, I get anxious whenever someone pulls the so what are you up to on X day? question. Where I live, in Sweden, you can ask your family, friends, coworkers etc How are you? and the reply would typically be somewhere between Its good and Im a litte tired because the baby has a cold, but otherwise things are good, but never Kind of bad, my depression is making life really dark right now (at least not when used as a small-talk question). The person is clearly saying something bigoted or 2. Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. I usually end up saying something noncommittal like I might be doing xyz, but Im not sure yet why? and waiting to see what the actual deal is. If you dont want to do something tell them youre not allowed and your parents are really strict etc. I get it from friends (who usually just want to find a time to hang and thats not so bad), my cousin (who usually wants me to babysit), my mom (whenever she wants to invite me somewhere), and people Im chatting with on dating websites. That question from certain people stresses me too! I think the reason is that telling people about fun things is potentially fairly personal. No matter how old you are, you don't want to be badgered about your life choices. And the balls in their court if they were actually trying to set up something fun. I think its interesting how LW is talking about what seems to me to be a specific social paradigm/situation that a lot of the commentators do not share? Why do I feel entitled to her assistance with something I am doing for her grandmother & grandfather while she sits in her room and plays Minecraft? have a Canadian accent that some USians pick up, and I dont mind if people ask if Im Canadian). She got like that by working three times as hard as everyone else and being three times as smart as everyone else. ! OH ME TOO. Thanks to this blog, mostly , Yeah, I also dont entirely understand how the question could be meant to make it easier to decline an invitation. )/co-workers, who usually uses the So what are you doing this weekend? as an opener to telling me all the awesome stuff theyve planned for themself for the weekend. Its hard to navigate things as just small talk when follow-up questions and comments quickly lead to territory I dont want to discuss. Answer accordingly. Also works for the similar How ARE you? @Grant Us Eyes mentioned. If Im bothered by the question, I usually answer back with why ? or why do you ask ?. In fact this letter reminds me a lot of a lady I knew once who moved to the US from a different english-speaking country and took offense to people asking her where she was from when they heard her accent. Here's the most obvious answer that no one can argue with. Shes right to find it othering and exhausting. There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. Published: August 09, 2021. At the same time, someone can just say oh not much if they dont wanna share, which is what I do if my plans that night are private eg therapy. And I have an aunt who, when I was younger, my preferring to do nothing plans often translated in her head to free babysitting for her boys. Not making it a big moan-y you alwaaays ask that! just an in the moment, you know were close enough that we dont have to do this dance sort of thing. Some people here do not really do much small talk, so even asking How are you? might lead to a long description of ones health. Its also tripping flags in your head, which is infinitely more important. You always say Im working on my crochet projects this weekend. denise hoarding: buried alive update, llanherne golf club results,